get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
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DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
wow
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it