“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
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Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…