Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
You Might Also Like
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
No one :
Me when I swimming :
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
No point crayon over spilled milk.
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back