Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
You Might Also Like
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
I am also baked goods
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
is frankincense just very honest incense?
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.