Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
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Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
Well, this explains it:
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.