Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
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I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
Lmao
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy