Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
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Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.