Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
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This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
Rooting for the overdog
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming