@ieatanddrink Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
@mommajessiec Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
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@ieatanddrink 
@Brampersandon_ (Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
@LuvPug A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
@MikeRevenaugh Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
@CArmanthegirl 17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
@RandomRamblr Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
@krissywillbretz Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
@Reverend_Scott “HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
@TheCiscoKidder *FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
@QwertyJones3 What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.