Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.

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Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no


(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?


A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her


Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”


Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.

Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.

Boss: ….?


Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.



Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”


Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”


*FINALLY gets truck washed*

*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*


What’s that?

“It’s my pet rock.”

Why does it look sad?