Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
(Gaming support cat.)
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck