Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
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customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”