Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
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How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?