-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
You Might Also Like
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
british sex workers really pound for pound