*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
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I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.