@TheBoydP

*gets a new lease on life*

*misses first payment*

You Might Also Like

@lawyerthoughts

Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.

@broccobamali

don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue

@painted_eel

*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby

@P1ssed_K1d

I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”

@envydatropic

Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password

You’re welcome

@KeetPotato

“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls

@Brianhopecomedy

I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.

@GinRumMe

*walks down street*

*panties drop left and right*

*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*

*picks up panties*

*continues home*