*gets a new lease on life*

*misses first payment*

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Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.


don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue


*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby


I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”


Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password

You’re welcome


“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
[to salesman]
one shark pls


I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.


*walks down street*

*panties drop left and right*

*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*

*picks up panties*

*continues home*