@TheBoydP
@lawyerthoughts Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
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@lawyerthoughts 
@fatherofcomedy An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
@broccobamali don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
@PaulyPeligroso I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
@painted_eel *whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
@P1ssed_K1d I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
@envydatropic Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
@KeetPotato “dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
@Brianhopecomedy I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
@GinRumMe *walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*