*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
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I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?