*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
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My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band