@TheBoydP

*gets a new lease on life*

*misses first payment*

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@petemandik

My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.

@theshantilly

*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back

@swiftenhaal

If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.

@suedechukka

Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll

@Whitnuts

My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.

Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.

@dafloydsta

A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.

@PoodleSnarf

Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once

Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one

Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested

@tea_n_cake89

Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.

@KimmyMonte

Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.

@TheIronSherk

Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam