*gets a new lease on life*

*misses first payment*

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My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.


*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back


If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.


Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll


My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.

Weren’t expecting that, huh?


A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.


Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once

Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one

Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested


Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.


Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.


Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam