[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
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ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
philosophical skeletons be like
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
how do y’all walk in shallow water
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.