*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
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kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.