*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
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When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
normalize having existential bread
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.