*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
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[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
why am I working on Labor Day
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?