*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
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[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.