*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
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[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
nice challenge
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’