*gets bitten by a radioactive bear

*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear

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“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”


I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts


I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.


Me: Any news?

Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.

Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.

Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.


“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus


Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!


*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*


Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.


Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.


[home depot]

employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE

me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT