*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
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“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor