*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
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Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
fixed it
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”