[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
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Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
Everyone’s family
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
My god she’s good.
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself