*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
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ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.