[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
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I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
Me trying to reach for my goals
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.