*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
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I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL