*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
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I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
Always…
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.