*gets down on one knee*
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How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS