[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
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Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven鈥檛 had a real boyfriend in years.
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
Schr枚dinger: How鈥檚 my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You鈥檙e welcome
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 馃幎 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 馃幎
Apparently Red Cross won鈥檛 let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
I鈥檓 so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I鈥檝e started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i鈥檓 married
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy鈥檚.