*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
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A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find