*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
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LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.