Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
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Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
crying
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩