* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
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Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
Yes, this is exactly right
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
🤣
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
Sooo many times…..
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away