[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
You Might Also Like
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
A double negative is a big no-no.
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.