@robdelaney My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
@Fred_Delicious [gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
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@robdelaney 
@UncleDuke1969 i smell a pulitzer
@WheelTod I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
@themouseyouknow The prophecy is fulfilled
@MrDomHarrison The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
@sad_tree oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
@rusty_coach When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
@caithuls One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
@SwedishCanary Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
@theshapeburns that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down