*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
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Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase