*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
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What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
Banderslack Clamberdorch
my one true gender
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”