*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
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Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.