Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”

Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”

“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*

what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”

Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?

HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.

Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?

Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?

A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above

*yells from the back of an ambulance*

“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?

Cop: Yes, go back a step.

Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.

Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.

I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.

It’s called “Miso Sad.”

*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact

I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.

Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.

HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!

[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]

MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much

Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!

Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef

bruh why was i singing a song in the uber and the driver was like “nah u havin too much fun” and changed the song ????😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.

My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love

A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!

In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.

journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?

me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]

My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.

Parents: You better eat all of your food, there are children starving in China!

Me: Well, can’t we send them this?

Parents: Go to your room.

Hilariously true story. 🤷😆🤣🤦

Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.

Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”

Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”

My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.

Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?