I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
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If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around
[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.