*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
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Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”