*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
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If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
Where is your GOD now????
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
meanwhile over on facebook
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.