*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
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Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
Lunatics are gonna loon.