@badAzz_mom

*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*

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@RandiLawson

Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.

@KimmyMonte

Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.

@SondraDeeMe

If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.

@JustForHT

Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.

@mortimermaiden

Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.

@Havish_AF

You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.

@sonictyrant

I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish

@BradBroaddus

It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.

I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.