*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
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THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
when someone rings the doorbell
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
Möther may I have a snäck
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.