*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*

You Might Also Like


Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.


Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.


If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.


Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.


Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.


You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.


I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish


It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.

I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.