@iwearaonesie
@House_Feminist 1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
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@House_Feminist 
@Quartzjixler I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
@weinerdog4life Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
@Marlebean Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
@jacanamommy Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
@molly_kornfeld A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
@Betfairpoker I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
@Chloestylo Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
@timdonakowski Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
@anarchicwolf My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.