@iwearaonesie

*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*

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@House_Feminist

1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store

@weinerdog4life

Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.

@Marlebean

Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”

And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”

@jacanamommy

Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.

@molly_kornfeld

A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested

@Betfairpoker

I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.

@Chloestylo

Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.

@timdonakowski

Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.

@anarchicwolf

My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.