@iwearaonesie
@brianbowman73 I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
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@brianbowman73 
@UnFitz “Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
@UncleDuke1969 “I took care of your clown problem.”
@truegritrumble COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
@thejamietighe ♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
@assfro Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
@STRIKINGxVIKING I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
@causticbob Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
@ka_waltz my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
@Smooheed HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern