*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
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I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.