*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*

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1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store


Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.


Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”

And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”


Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.


A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested


I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.


Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.


Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.


My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.