@iwearaonesie

*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*

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@brianbowman73

I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”

@UnFitz

“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.

@truegritrumble

COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.

@thejamietighe

♫When the moon hits your eye♫

You’ll be killed.

It’s massive.

@assfro

Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.

@STRIKINGxVIKING

I’m not sure which is worse:

People who force their religion on you…

Or

Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”

@causticbob

Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob

@ka_waltz

my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”

@Smooheed

HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern