I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
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“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
“I took care of your clown problem.”
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern