*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
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Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
i now pronounce you bounced.
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
I鈥檓 guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would鈥檝e just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
Husband: It鈥檚 so weird that the kids didn鈥檛 get any Twix or Reece鈥檚 Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
It鈥檚 really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 馃
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
I don鈥檛 know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn鈥檛 annoying, it鈥檚 adorable.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…