*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
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I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram