*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
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them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
THIS HEADLINE
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
Namaste
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day