*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
You Might Also Like
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
*jazz hands*
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
What the hell is going on?
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.