[Gets on one knee]
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.

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“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people


healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok


The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.


COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.

ME: no hurry.


“I’m leaving you”


“Your jokes are old and tiresome”

“but, I can updog”

“What’s updog?”


*slams door*


I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.


I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.


”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!