[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
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[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
What the hell happened here.
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.