@david_tull *purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
@Thynebear [Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
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@david_tull 
@ginnyhogan_ “machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
@JimmerThatisAll Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
@IvoryGazelle healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
@juneohara65 The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
@ericsshadow COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
@ehdannyboy “I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
@AmmaarJoosub I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
@BrettDruck I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
@bonehugsnirony ”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!