@Thynebear

[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.

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@ginnyhogan_

“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people

@IvoryGazelle

healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok

@juneohara65

The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.

@ericsshadow

COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.

ME: no hurry.

@ehdannyboy

“I’m leaving you”

“why?”

“Your jokes are old and tiresome”

“but, I can updog”

“What’s updog?”

“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”

*slams door*

@AmmaarJoosub

I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.

@BrettDruck

I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.

@bonehugsnirony

”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!