*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
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Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
Lunatics are gonna loon.
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet